General Forum

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is Sweet dorothy gone to USA ?she was going to go

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You know, back in the day when I was posting jokes in these forums there were three or four of us that kind of took turns out-doing each other. It was annoying to some, but others seemed to enjoy it.

In the recent past here you guys seem to flood the boards with spasms of jokes. Six, 8 10, 12 at a time. Enough already!!

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal d ays a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

MessageFINDING THE RIGHT JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the chop.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it mainly
because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't hack it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to
it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was too
shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian,
until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always
the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women
====================

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

For Non- Aussie residents Bunnings is a Hardware Store.

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,
burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the
neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate
chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes
drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bog and, as he walks by the Aussie,
he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the
floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes
back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind
him and smacks him on the head, nocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was
a crowbar from Bunnings."

Apparently the NHS have issued a new directive which will avoid such
confusion over
appointment dates in future.

"All appointments in future will be timed from the start of the week,
regardless of what time the week starts. A week in future will be defined
as the period falling between any two alternate weekends, less the duration
of whichever weekend of the week is nearest the middle. The future in
future will be put on indefinite hold until such time as the present has
caught up with the backlog, and morale has improved within Government
guidelines."

So as the Aussies say, "No worries, mate!"

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their
Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.
One of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.

A female lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the three
talking about their golfing Saturday's . Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I
used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you
mind if I joined you next week?"

The three men looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them
wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it
would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30am. He
figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be
up to15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.

"She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a pleasant person the entire round.
The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back
the next week. She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still
managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her
southpaw style.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to
make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her
out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but
each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

The third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15
minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to
play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited for
her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since
she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so
complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against
her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her
ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity
no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed, and grinned. She said,
"That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I
met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in
the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning
for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what
was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the
left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was incredulous." Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed
straight up in the air?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

To all my Orthodox friends - Merry Christmas

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Jolly old Saint Nicholas tell them for me
Merry Merry Christmas from the USA
Now you dear old man open up your heart
Be gentle, kind and good as always
Tell them Merry Merry Christmas from the USA
To all Russia with love from the USA
Made your life be full of Peace, Love, Hope and Happiness
As I wish you a Merry Merry Christmas from the USA
As you celebrate this season with love
Lead us dear Saint as children to be
That we join together Russia and USA
to wish all a Merry Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Merry Christmas Russia From America
As you celebrate the christ child, carrying candles, torches and homemade lanterns around the church and thinking of the stories of Saint Nicholas and Saint Cassian the miracle workers singing
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah
St. Nicholas we cheer
As we celebrate the season bright as children of the light
Lead us dear saint, in joy and peace--your prayers we now implore.
(A song from Me to friends, families, and yes even to those I don't know)
Merry Merry Christmas to Russia
Far far away out in a beautiful country to see
Made your holidays be bright and cheerful
and the gifts of love be plentiful
From the USA we share the same prayers
Peace, Love and Hope
That days through life we share the holidays
Merry Merry Christmas from the USA to Russia

Wash clothes, not body, wacky warning advises

A warning label advising against climbing into a washing machine has won the 10th annual Wacky Warning Label contest.


The contest, run by American lobby group the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, aims to "reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products".


The winning label, on a laundromat washing machine, advises: "Do not put any person in this washer".


Second place went to a motor manufacturer who warned "Never use a lit match to check fuel level."


Other winners included a lotto ticket advising "do not iron", an instruction on a mobile phone saying "Don't try to dry your phone in a microwave oven" and this warning on a Yellow Pages: "Please do not use this directory while operating a moving vehicle

When you seem down and out, please always remember what Audrey Hepburn had written for her funeral.
Maturing Everyday (ladies this is a good beauty tip from a beautiful actress)
1. Lips: speak words of kindness
2. Eyes: seek out the good in people
3. Body: to keep a slim figure, share your food with the hungry
4. Hair: let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day
5. Poise: walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone
6. Friends: even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone
[>] [<] Remember, if you ever nee a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms and as you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

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Hey room, this is the beginning of a new year and this might be some good advice to those young women here, dont let your age catch up with you and to you men out there if you get caught with a vibrator by your wife, here is a good example to tell her:
My wife was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from our daughters bedroom, by the way our daughter name is Misty. When she opened the door she found Misty naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she scream. Misty replied, mom, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closet I'll ever get to a husband. Later that week I was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. I went downstairs, I found Misty naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" I ask. Misty replied, dad, I'm 35 and still living at home with you and mom and this is the closet I'll ever get to a husband." A couple days later my wife heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found me watching television with the vibrator buzzing away next to me. She hollar out "What are you doing". I told her I was watching the ball game with my son-in-law.

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CUMCAM /Cristine
Anyone know where she is?

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING ---

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's
97 years old and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right
out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Forget exercise, I'm going to bed.

I need my beauty rest...